Tuesday, October 28, 2014

A Blow to My Ego

Wow, I will once again dust off this blog and write.  But get ready because this post isn't all sugar, lollipops and butterflies.  This is post is frustrated thoughts and tears.

I keep pretending everything is fine, even perfect.  I have had the perfect pregnancy....wrong.  I have the perfect little pregnant body....wrong.  I have been good to myself....wrong.  Everything I have been doing has amounted to me not "properly" taking care of my precious baby girls.

I have went about my life for the last six months as if I didn't need to change much.  Sure, I take more vitamins, drink more water (still not enough), eat a bit more (can we say too many sweets?), take it "easier", but in reality, I just kept chugging along as if I am superwoman.

Well yesterday, my doctors proved me wrong.  They were kind to me in telling me what was going on, but being pregnant/hormonal all of that kindness went out the door and I felt attacked.  To the point of tears.  Even tears right now as I write this and I have surely cried it out to my mom, dad, sister and husband in the last 24 hours.

I knew two things going into my appointments yesterday.  I may have gained a bit more weight this month then before (dang you scales in the fancy Wynn resort last week) and I overdid it this weekend (everything hurt...especially down there).  But what I didn't realize was the wrath that was to be had.

Here is a breakdown of my appointments:

1 pm - Perinatal appointment.  I laid down and waited for my ultrasound to start.  Great news...there is still more fluid than we want, but it was the same (or very close to) in both sacs so that means the girls are doing great and are not being affected by the excess amniotic fluid.  They were both moving a ton and looked perfect.  Great news again.

Then my doctor asked about contractions (Braxton Hicks).  I told him I have felt them, but not that often.  He said it was time for my first contraction monitoring and cervical check, but not to worry.  Well I had that thing hooked up for maybe 5 or 10 minutes max (I was daydreaming about my princesses) and this was the result.
Pretty consistent contractions (lasting 30 seconds)

He wasn't super concerned as my cervical check showed my cervix is still really long and thick (ie not in preparation of birth).  He told me I needed to take it easy, but talk to my OB (which I had an appt right after) and he would do the same.

2 pm - OB appointment.  Apparently in the 15 to 20 minutes between my appointments and the time I was seen, my OB and Perinatal docs had a talk.

First off, I am embarrassed to say this but I gained 9 lbs (yes you read that right, 9 lbs) in one month.  the total weight gain in 24 weeks is under the recommended for this stage of twin pregnancy, but that much gain isn't good for me, the babies or my back.  I have to cut down on the sweets, not have my daily protein shake and watch my portions (something tastes good, and I overeat it, even though I eat less now than when I wasn't pregnant).  Ok so sweets have gotten out of hand, but I can cut down on them.  And be healthier.  Got it.

Second, my doctor was pissed that I went to Vegas for work last week.  To the point, he cut me off from traveling anymore and wants me to work from home.  I told him I just overdid it this weekend with a Halloween party (where I stood for almost 3 hours talking to people and went to Apple Hill Sunday where I walked and stood all day.  I knew I overdid it.  I was tired, my body ached and knew I couldn't do that again.
 Juno and Bleeker

But he still wasn't happy with me because those contractions were too consistent.  He wants me to start maternity leave Monday.  I can't fathom 3 more months of sitting at home with no interaction.  He told me the girls are viable at 24 weeks, but with complications and I am not being good to them.  He told me my left leg/ankle is super swollen and indicative of overdoing it.  Got it, feet up.  He told me that if I don't slow down to the point of almost being lazy (in my opinion lazy as in slower walks, sitting down all the time, and resting being a couch potato), these girls will either come early and don't have as good of a chance of surviving or being in the NICU for a long time or I will be in the hospital on mandatory bed rest and it will be awful and costly.

Duly noted doctors, but it sent me into full on panic, stressed and upset mode.  I feel horrible that I am not doing things right for these girls.  I know I need to slow down and I know it is hard for me to do that, but I HAVE TO.  I am going to work part time from the office and part from home (home on the days I feel tired/sore/needing rest).  I am going to let my husband do more stuff for me, I am going to let others cook and clean for me (even though I am a control freak), and I will put my feet up and rest more for these girls because they are beyond worth it.

I guess my feelings are hurt, I am mad at myself and praying that I don't go into labor anytime soon with how irresponsible I have been to these girls.

Anyone have any tips or been in a similar situation?


  1. you haven't been irresponsible! don't even start blaming yourself!!! You felt it was okay and you did what you normally do! (except about standing when your body aches, you have to listen to your body) I'm not in the same situation BUT I am considered high risk because of my previous miscarriages.. so my boss, I work front desk at a hotel, let's me sit when I'm working instead of standing up for eight hours. If I was at home, I wouldn't be able to sit down either... I actually like doing things myself too (the control freaks) This is really hard for you I know but just take it easy!!!

  2. I know it's hard, I had similar issues making myself relax and not stress about not being able to work-out as much. But you do not need to worry about the weight gain. Some months you'll gain a lot and some you won't gain any. This is completely normal and those averages they give you are just that, averages, not what you have to gain each month. So much about pregnancy is out of your control. All you can do is take good care of yourself and hope for the best. And try not to stress out. That's worse for the babies then a few extra cookies for sure! :-D Love and hugs!

    1. Thank you. Pregnancy is getting harder and harder as the days pass, but I worth every second of it. I am more tired, more achy, but feeling them move is unbelievable. I mostly love pregnancy, but feel deflated after some of my appointments now. I know I am doing well for these girls and I have to keep telling myself that. And stop stressing. Last week I took it easy and I am feeling better, but knowing that it is only going to get tougher as we go. Are you guys coming to Nevada anytime soon? We wanted to go on a babymoon to Portland/Seattle, but that probably isn't in our cards anymore :(